Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Bedspread.

The trial of the century is finally over!

The world hasn’t been this united over a courtcase it didn’t fully understand since Steven Avery in ‘Making a Murderer’. All this trial needed was a little Brendan Dassey to falsely admit to helping her shit all over the house and it would’ve just been perfecto.

However, we did it guys, we witnessed our very own OJ Simpson ‘moment’ in history. If you’re a 90’s kid like me, we’ve had some monumental moments in time that you will never forget such as; 9/11, the death of Princess Diana, witnessing your flag-shagging tory father put up Union Jack bunting around the garden fence for the Queen’s Jubilee…and now we’ve got Sir Johnathan Deppward testifying that his ex missus shit the bed & he’s been awarded $15million dollars for the information. You couldn’t make it up! (well, you probably could but his lawyer would drag you through the courts for it & you wanna hope that you haven’t shit anywhere you weren’t supposed to otherwise it’ll be all over Sky News).

Imagine having a live, televised court case to determine who’s pillow she shit on, how big his pints were & who called each other a smackhead first? But hang on a sec, didn’t we used to get to enjoy this stuff on a daily basis over breakfast via a mad cunt called Jeremy Kyle? If this trial has taught us anything, it’s that we need him & Graeme back doing the rounds at 09:30 am sharp every morning. People’s personal lives being available for us to view, judge & discuss seems to be the height of entertainment and I’m all for it. Who would believe that A-Listers live the same lives as us council estate monsters? Mental ain’t it? You can have any woman on earth, your money can solve any problem you might have…and yet you’re still throwing vodka bottles at each others bonce every Friday night. There is something heartwarming about that though, it makes me think that no matter what you achieve in life, you just can’t escape being a scruffy cunt deep down in your soul. Could pay for the best therapists on the planet, but instead they just get steaming and call each other names. I love it. They truly are just like us. If these pair weren’t rich & famous they’d be screaming at each other outside their local Wetherspoons, wouldn’t they? Her with her shoes off & him sat in a doorway smoking a suspicious smelling roll-up cigarette. He’d still have that ‘I look like a junkie but in a Calvin Klein modelling way’ thing about him & that’s how he managed to bag a woman like her. She’s the typical attractive woman in town that everyone thinks is single because her standards are so high when in reality she’s just off her fucking tree in paranoia & trust issues. Match made in heaven if you ask me. It makes for great art apparently.

But anyway, he’s won the case but at what cost? Sure, he’s cleared his name & made a few quid, but now we know that he isn’t this perfect bloke that everyone & their mother dreamed of, we all know he takes copious amounts of drugs & alcohol, gets a bit handsy from time to time, and he accepts a certain amount of shit where he sleeps. Is that worth the money he could’ve made by appearing in Edward Scissorhands II? Not if you ask me. You’re almost 60 mate, you didn’t need this, what are you doing? How did this pair think this was a good move for either of them? They’re both alright for the money, the relationship is over & isn’t coming back, just let it go & sell your story to a magazine like the rest of Hollywood. Imagine your old man is outed for fist fighting a woman half his age after they’ve had a Stella, I’d disown the cunt if it went viral on the local Facebook, never mind if it was the number one news story on the planet. 

What I won’t miss after all this has settled is the double standards everyone seems to have around the accusations, I’m not saying I believe everything she said about him, but for years now all I’ve seen is ‘Believe all Women’ in domestic abuse cases and whole essays on why women act how they act in those scenarios, yet because Johnny Depp is attractive, cool, suave & all those lovely things, suddenly fuck all that ‘believe women’ nonsense, there’s no way a man that fit could be a dicey cunt. Only a man with those cheekbones could make women overlook him saying he should kill his missus, burn the body & then fuck the corpse…and I know he wasn’t actually threatening to do it, but has that ever been a good enough excuse for your local abuser? Not one of you would make that excuse for a bloke who said it to your best mate, and that’s my only issue with it. Good-looking people getting away with things I never could. Pretty-Privilege is the worst one and I won’t have it said otherwise. This guy raised one eyebrow, pursed his lips into a wry smile & muttered three little words…’a mega pint!?’ And just like that, his charisma sent away all the mad shit he’d admitted to. Fuck i’m jealous.

Listen, I’m taking for granted that she was the evil bitch in all this don’t worry, but it takes two to tango sometimes, and as I scroll my social media feed on the night of the verdict, women and men alike are celebrating the result like their dad’s just been cleared of murder. Let’s all relax here, you don’t know these people, they’re both actors, they’re both clearly a bit loose in the head. Stop crying like it’s going to have any impact on you, you’re going to forget all this as soon as Love Island starts (and so will I, by the way, cannot fucking wait). I’m seeing heartbroken emojis & bottom lips curling over this verdict & I can’t help but get wound up by it all. Your mate is crawling the walls in real life but all your emotional energy is invested in some Kardashian-style reality show trial. I don’t wanna be a bore & a prick with a stick up his arse but are you this invested when you’re mate is being knocked about? Or does she shit the bed n’all but at least has the sense to not bring those skeletons out of the closet? Bit of advice here, if they’ve got something that could nuke you, it’s wise to not start that war because you’ll both end up looking mad out on these streets & we’ll all know your (literally) dirty laundry…you’ll never get a shag again.

Enough of the sensible, boring commentary for a moment, think about how much wine & valium he can get with this $15 million mind, I’m saying he’s dead in a hotel room within 5 years, and that’s being generous. I don’t wish that on him mind, I just think he’s gunna be on the wrong side of 60 soon & his liver can’t bail him out forever, can it? She got another 30 years at least, she can milk this decade by decade, but failing that, she also has enough time to let it pass over & make a comeback when it’s all forgotten about…right about 5 years after Roxanne Pallet tries it on Hollyoaks: After Dark, and that bitch will try sneak in the back door thinking we won’t notice. We’ll fucking notice you conniving slag, stop right there.

I’ll be honest though, it was all good TV, I do get why people were invested, the same way I almost smashed my house up when Michael came back from Casa Amore with some random bitch & left Amber stood all alone looking foolish, so I get it I really do, but I’m not having it that you all have an emotional connection with a movie star, I’m just not. You fancy him and that’s fine, he could’ve done anything in this trial & you’d support him, just admit it and be done with it. Half of you have been in relationships like this and described it as ‘ups and downs’ every Valentine’s Day. 

Amber Heard is $15 million lighter, likely forever single, unemployable & and outed as someone who shits on pillows. Who do you reckon is gunna be found overdosed first? Her or Ghislaine Maxwell? Another woman that nobody believes funnily enough. It’s almost like women can be evil vindictive cunts too ain’t it? Strange that. 

Let this be a lesson to us all…women are dirty, dirty, liars. And I now know of 2 of them that have shit the bed, so it’s likely to be far more common than you’d think. I think women have 2 in-built, go-to responses to losing an argument, firstly, the standard remark about a man’s dick, which is usually enough, but on the rare occasion it doesn’t win the debate, they go & do a rolling-brown-out over his brand new bedding.

Pigs the lot of you.



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