Jokes from the archives.

I don’t know if this may come as a surprise to any of you guys…but I’m ugly. Yes, I am, stop it. Seriously mum stop it, you’re embarrassing me. I’m 31.

But because I’m ugly, nobody chats me up. It’s me that has to go out into the world & find something warm & friendly enough to catch my orgasm. I have heard the best place to find a partner is a supermarket. My closest is a LIDL so I don’t expect that to come true anytime soon unless I start fancying women who shop for german sausages in their pyjamas. Anyway, it turns out the women outside aren’t interested either so I’m stuck with dating apps. Tinder, Bumble & even Facebook have a dating service. I won’t go on plenty of fish or any of the apps directed at the oldies just because I don’t wanna bump into my mother on there really. But I am on the dating apps all the while & there’s been the same girl on there now for about 3 years give or take, and she’s a good-looking girl mind so goes without saying we’ve never matched…she seems to be back and forth on there every couple months which tells me she’s meeting people & then I can only assume they are then finding out she’s a scatty bitch. That or her PH levels are way off. A pretty face won’t cover up the taste of battery acid girls I can tell you. Get some bicarb down there. Either one I wanna find a way to message her & say look, we’ve both been on these apps for years now, surely its my turn!? Everyone else has tried, the only people left are either on a rebound or doing that ‘i’m just on here to have a look’ thing because they are too embarrassed to admit they’re single & desperate too, we’re onto you girls, that’s their favourite line to use…on me anyway. We’ve been sifting through every singleton in a 20-mile radius since 2019 and yet we’re still here…  just come and put your sour 2-pence piece pussy all over me & let’s end this because online dating is killing me. Online dating is so confusing, for example, my tinder profile tells me they are expanding my search because they can’t find me a woman to shag in a 50-mile radius yet some of the websites on my laptop reckon there are loads of them waiting to hook up with me no questions asked? Heads all over the place with it to be honest with you.

I can’t have a partner who’s into star signs mind you, if I go on a first date & she asks for my star sign I’m telling her it’s Aspergers & leaving out the bathroom window. I really do hate people who make life choices going off their signs though, won’t go with a man because the moons in Lucozade or whatever it is…If one of these women ever wants sympathy because her partner has knocked her about I just think…That compatibility chart hasn’t worked out for you too well huh!? Don’t come knocking on my door, uh-huh, get back in your violent household you big Virgo. Go ask the moon to help you.

Somebody said a lot of my jokes are about women, which is true but that’s just the BETA male in me. I do have a love/hate relationship with Instagram models & the influencers’ mind, I hate their morals, what they promote & 90% of their personality really but given half the chance I’d bulldoze through most of them with a pocket full of pierced johnnies so I guess there is a little love there for them. I don’t know which ones are more annoying, the lower league models who pay for their own photo shoots & spend entire holidays perched on somebody else’s infinity pool as a backdrop, or the elite, top-level influencers who seem to be in Dubai 8 months of the year. Seriously, selling slimming pills to fat depressed girls will not fund that kinda lifestyle so how do they manage it I hear you ask?…either she’s smuggling 8 cocaine-filled condoms up her chuff for somebody or she’s being shitted on. You heard me. Take that in. She’s being flown out by the crown prince of Bahrain & the boys for skat parties in the Burj khalifa…that’s how she gets to take them cool photos from up in the clouds with the caption ‘these bitches wanna take my place’…as what!? Sheik bin Mahmood toilet? Behave will you.

Every now & again I have social media breaks but I’ve always kept Snapchat, and I never knew why. This year I turned 31 & I felt a bit childish using it so I deactivated it and barely 4 hours in I was sticking polaroid pictures of my dick to the walls. I didn’t know what to do so I spent the next fortnight asking blokes in the bookies if they wanna see it. Don’t judge me for sending out dick pics though, I have my reasons. The main one being I’d rather the nice lady has seen what she’s getting before she turns up so she doesn’t get a nasty surprise & I don’t have to shag through her fit of laughter. I take it you heard about apple using software to remove child pornography images from iPhones? If they bring this in & my nudes get removed because Steve Jobs decides it’s child cock I’ll be furious. That’s one of the reasons I can’t dirty talk or do phone sex, how can you turn a woman on by saying ‘im gunna put you in all 4 positions you can feel it in’?? Now look at us, both upset. I send the pictures & if they stick around I can feel more confident in the fact that she likes me for my personality. I was texting a girl once who told me she hasn’t had sex in so long & has developed cock fright…so I told her it’s probably a good idea to sleep with me because it’s like a halfway house. It won’t hurt you & it’ll only break the first few inches of your celibacy. Gotta be upfront about these things haven’t you, Can’t promise a girl womb damage in the DM’s then show up with something that looks like a midgets thumb in a bush can I?

Speaking of which, I visited japan once. I’m going somewhere with this relax,I’m not just having a dig at them. They have hot spring baths in all the hotels & you have to get in them completely naked ya know, as you can maybe tell, I have a complex, so I’m definitely scanning the room weighing up everyone else’s size like a scene from Jack Bauer’s 24. I’m thinking that any minute now some stereotype will walk in and put my mind to rest…low and behold, 5 Japanese guys stroll in starkers & I’m thinking…if this lot aint pixelated like the movies I’ve seen I’m definitely gunna be bigger than at least half of these blokes. Well wouldn’t you just know it, all 5 are carrying more than I am, how have I come to the only country in the world known for tiny cocks & I’m the one packing an almond? I sat in the communal bathtub until every last one of them left. They do say by traveling alone you get to know yourself but all that trip taught me is I’d rather slowly boil to death in a hot spring bath like uncle bens packet rice than stand up & show everyone I got a dick like my mother.

Don’t people just love a jacuzzi though? I go to a gym that’s got one & the most racist thought I’ve ever had happened to me. I walked in from the changing rooms to see the jacuzzi full of what I genuinely thought was a group of people in deep-sea diving gear but it just turned out to be a pamper night for the Saudi Arabian netball team. Honestly, 5 Arab women dressed from head to toe in waterproof burkhas sat in there. It sounds a bit racist to be laughing at the burkha swimwear line but it’s just mental to see ain’t it? I’m used to seeing old fat blokes sprawled out in there so when you turn up to what looks like somebody training for the titanic shipwreck in there you fucking notice. I’m allowed to say being sat in a jacuzzi in winter wear is funny, and I will. 

That joke could be the biggest mistake someone made since Matt Hancock decided he wanted wanking off in a broom cupboard. If you saw some of the things I’ve slept with I’d have to resign n all. Matt Hancock is living proof that you can literally be responsible for a million dead grandparents & there will still be women out there who’ll shag you…Women are scum ain’t they.

But as I said, believe it or not, I go to a gym, them mirrors have some special powers don’t they fucking hell!? Mirrors in the gym lie about the size of my chest more than leggings lie about the size of a girl’s arse. Pair of us are in for a surprise tonight love let me tell you. I’m all Tommy Fury when getting changed for the pool then I get home in front of my own mirrors & turns out I’m Tyson Fury. You don’t half see some mad shit In those changing rooms, my favourite has gotta be men who get changed & put their t-shirt on before their pants & they walk over to the hairdryers looking like they got half an ant eaters nose climbing out of their waistline. Honestly, they sit there with a wet cock hanging out the bottom of their t-shirt like a toddler who just got outta bed. They do not give a toss. And you can’t help but look.

Did you see the women who came out & said she can reach orgasm just by using her mind? I thought what’s the big deal? I’ve been imagining the female orgasm for about 15 years now.

Do you why fathers day is better than mothers day? Because you’ll never hear some cunt wishing himself a happy fathers day because he owns a dog. Some single mothers wanna make fathers day all about themselves not realising that’s half the reason he left you. It’s just a Sunday for you, get down the carvery. Little moany moo’s.

As I live alone, sometimes I lay in bed at night and my last waking thought is…if somebody breaks in right now, it’s solely down to me to defend this place and if I lose, technically, it’s his house now. Sometimes I sleep naked, even though I think being naked in the house is homosexual activity, trust me it is…if I’m cutting around the house starkers and I catch site of myself…I have a weird thing in my mind that says ‘why you’ve got a blokes arse in your living room mirror?’…and if the thought of losing the house to a cat burglar wasn’t bad enough, then I have a second thought and that’s about the idea of having to wrestle this cunt downstairs with my whole cock out, flapping in the breeze & one eye still adjusting to the darkness. Struggling on two fronts here ain’t I? Do I ignore that i’ve got this cunt in a full nelson but my balls are in the small of his back or do I give up the successful position to make it less erotic? There needs to be a rulebook for these things, doesn’t it? What if they break in as my morning glory is kicking in & now they think I’m REALLY excited to see them climbing in my window. Defending my change bowl & car keys while maintaining a boner is so impressive even the burglars have to pay me some respect. Imagine the shock on his face when he creeps into my window & I’m armed with my own baseball bat. Even if I win the fight and throw him out the front door like Uncle Phil  I’ll still be left thinking…well, I hope it looked big enough to him ya know, I don’t want him laughing with the criminal underworld about the weight of my skin pipe when he gets home. Then I have a third thought before I fall asleep and that thought is me, asking my subconscious why it insists on imaging me grappling men in my kitchen with my knob out. I’ve never found the answer to that one because some part of my repressed brain says listen faggot, don’t ask questions for answers you might not like, get to sleep. I’m out like a light.

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