I Meditated for 50 Days Straight & You Should Too Motherfucker.

You heard me.

10 minutes a day for 50 straight days. Piece of piss.

Before you think ‘all that mmmm’ing & aaaahhh’ing isn’t for me’ or ‘isn’t the lotus position a bit gay?’ I want you to be a tad open minded here…you haven’t got to wear an orange jumpsuit or start chanting in tongues toward your incense sticks, I mean you can if you want, but you won’t be coming round my house for tea if you do I can tell you that. You haven’t got to sit in any particular position for it or hold your hands in the ‘OK’ or the ‘White Power’ pose either, you can just sit in a chair, shut your eyes and get comfortable…and we’ve all said that before haven’t we…and it was usually followed by a real good time.

Meditation gets a weird reputation because most of us think about Buddhist monks or western girls who ride the fuck out of crystals & energy stones in trousers that are far too baggy & colourful for the human eye to take. I promise you I am the first person to ridicule that nonsense when I see it, I wouldn’t be pinning my flag onto such waffle if I didn’t think there was something in it at least. Those spiritual guru tossers who wear string vests in any weather add all this other nonsense on to it like matted hair they think is dreadlocked, not washing their armpits & staring into the sun for dinner…forget all that shit. Drop the stigma around meditation and mindfulness and just look at it for what it really is…ultimately relaxing all the way down past your emotions, thoughts and feelings into a base level state. If you have an issue with your own thoughts or can’t ‘switch off’ then I honestly think you should take a look into it at least. Forget all the ideas of chakras and higher awakening shit, I don’t believe that unless the girl i’m texting does, then i’m all chakra’d out baby but that’s for another day & another story. Find a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed, sit however you feel comfortable, close your eyes & focus on your breath. That’s it, you’re meditating. You won’t be able to focus on the breath for more than a few seconds before a thought comes flooding in & interupting but you haven’t lost the game by doing that, it’s not about switching thoughts off, that’s impossible, it’s about noticing that you’re lost in thought and just returning to your breath again & again & again. I’m an absolute novice at this stuff so if you actually want a detailed description there’s a million links on the internet but that’s the crux here my guys. Nothing magical, no chanting, no praying to Anubis and no sex cults (unfortunately).

 Just. Fucking. Breathing. 

The point of focusing on your breath and letting thoughts come & go is to show you that they hold no power until you attach more thoughts, more emotions and more narratives onto them. When people say they can’t switch off their mind or that their brain is going a hundred miles an hour all the time they think this means they can’t meditate, but that’s the exact reason you should be doing it. Your mind is all over the place because you are trying to hold onto every thought that pops up, every scenario, living in the past or the future, reliving or imagining everything that could or could not happen. Meditating is purely just slowing down and cutting through all that noise until you realise that you are just here, right now & you don’t give a fuck about the stories your mind is creating every single second. We’ve all been too drunk at a party & dipped off to the toilet to compose ourselves haven’t we? The rooms are spinning, the lights are too bright & the noise is kicking your face in but you take a deep breath, cut through all that & tell yourself it’s all alright, everything will be fine, just get yourself together. That’s very similar to meditating except the noise & the lights are your mind throwing up memories & non stop distractions to pull your head in every direction…the important part is you holding onto the feeling of your breath and ignoring it. It’s the same thing. It’s called ‘centering yourself’…like a deep rooted oak tree in a tornado tearing through Texas you are. You find your ground & nothing is moving you from it. YOU ARE THE BIG MAN. THE BIG FUCKING MAN. Anyway, during this intense focus your brain gets restless so shit pops up to satisfy it’s craving, but the aim is don’t follow where its trying to take you, don’t let any emotion rise up onto it, you don’t own that thought. Just see it for what it is, a random process that you have no control over throwing words into your head all day long.

You don’t choose what thought comes up next, it just appears…where ‘YOU’ come into play is deciding how that random thought now affects you. When you sit and focus on just feeling yourself breathe in and out without any effort, you come to realise that thoughts arise and disappear in an instant, they are neutral until you consciously decide to act on them. Would you let a complete stranger whisper things in your ear all day that could ruin your mood? Would you fuck. At some point you would tell that negative little gypsy to fuck off, who are they to determine my mood or my emotions? Well, that little gyspy is your mind when you aren’t paying attention to it. We don’t watch as moods creep in or notice when we started to think about that thing that has pissed us off all morning. We all think that we are our thoughts don’t we? Got news for you…we aren’t. The thought process is random and unknowable, don’t believe me? Tell yourself what your next unconscious thought is going to be. You can’t. You can try to get around it by deciding to visualise a big pink elephant but do you realise you didn’t choose the image that appears? You don’t have a folder for pink elephant images to choose from, you receive whatever your subconscious mind gives to you just like every other thought you have. You can’t know a thought until it appears in your conscious mind and then you notice it and act on it. You aren’t the thoughts in your head, YOU ARE THE ONE NOTICING THE THOUGHTS. This is all a bit mind boggling but there’s plenty out there to read who say it far better than I do. We are the receiver of thoughts not the thought itself, this is step one to a life full of happiness, joy & fellatio my brothers & sisters.

You might now be thinking either what the fuck are you talking about or I follow but how does that help anything? Well I’ll tell you how. If you can get your head around that you aren’t the thoughts that you have but you’re the one experiencing them, you can now determine how much power they have on your life. By meditating you slowly learn how to just let thoughts come and go, even the worst ones can just pass by in a flash, if you learn that the problems come when you attach stories or emotions to these random flashes of thought and dwell on them you can learn to not give them power over you as well. The objective is to be separate and aware of what your mind is throwing at you so you can essentially decide how you want to react rather than being unaware & losing control of your emotions or feelings as soon as something you don’t like shows up in your head. Take control of your thoughts rather than them controlling you. Again, one more time… you are not your thoughts, you are the one watching them happen.

If you suffer with stress or you’re an avid over-thinker then I truly believe this will help you out. Even if you don’t find any benefit in the detachement of the thinking mind then sitting still and breathing slowly will still help you out won’t it? Just that alone will calm you down & return you to earth. Go and check how many brilliant minds in the world use meditation, all the Illuminati do it and they do alright for themselves. It helps declutter what’s going on under the bonnet so if you’re trying work something out or find some anwers then a clear mind provides the space for it to appear doesn’t it? In this day & age we are drowning in information & anxieties from a fast paced life & social media pressures aren’t we? We need to be able to step back from the big rush of modern life & evaluate what we actually care about. In this modern world we constantly move from one thing to another with no time to stop & think about what’s going on…so for a few minutes a day just pause, let the world carry on & spend 10 minutes not getting caught up on the big bad anxiety waves that will drown your shakey little head if you don’t surf those waves.

The story your mind tells yourself day in day out is your entire world view if you really think about it. If you wake up and dwell on the negative thoughts everyday then you start telling yourself you’re miserable, you’re upset, you’re depressed, you’re having a bad time. All this is solely based on reacting to the noise thats going on in your head & it’s a dangerous road to go down if you don’t pull the breaks once in a while to assess what the issue is. If left unchecked you will quickly believe that what you’re going through just is the way life is. Soon you’ll forget that all our living experience is purely the story we tell ourselves everyday…not realising that we can take charge of that story & make it a brighter one.

Trust me, I’ve butchered that but if any of it sounds interesting to you go search the internet for it, it’s everywhere. One bit of advice though…stay away from the gurus that whisper, have excessive hand movements & people who mention Bali or Thailand. I’m aware I’ve been to both so I could be full of shit & contradicting myself but trust me I’ve seen enough of them to know that they spend one gap year doing yoga in the sand & they think they can make a Youtube channel on the Seven Spiritual Laws. Which is also bullshit by the way.

So to my experience…

I’ve meditated on and off for a couple years but hadn’t for a long while so I decided I would go back to it using a guided meditation app (I have about 100 readers, none of them have sponsored me so i’m not telling you which one until they stump up the cash) and it was something different but it helped me get back into a routine so I stuck with it. When I decided to start it back up I was having a mild mid life crisis turning 30, I had deactivated most of my social media accounts for some headspace & I was on the search for something meaningful to point me in the right direction. I know this might only get 15 readers but I’ll bare my soul anyway, it’ll get me laid somewhere I’m sure, vulnerable little fucker, how sweet is he? Little did she know…

Anyway, I didn’t know if I was developing depression, loneliness or both but I wasn’t sad about anything in particular, life just seemed empty & meaningless. If I had left a suicide note it wouldn’t say anything sad or depressing, it would simply read…

‘IM BORED. WHAT IS THE POINT IN DOING THIS DAY IN DAY OUT FOR THE REST OF TIME??’

I knew if I kept having these conversations with myself every night I would spiral toward somewhere I really didn’t want to be so I hooked that Buddhist-brain-training back into my veins and let myself go. I don’t know if i’m lying or it was the placebo effect but within 2 weeks of daily meditation & some time away from social media I felt good again boy. I don’t think it was some miracle cure but it was a daily reminder that these negative conversations going on in my mind are just noise, even when you aren’t actively meditating you keep the techniques that cut right through most of the clutter your brain throws at you. If some depressing thought or feeling showed up I knew that this is just background noise, I don’t have to engage with it and let it actually ruin my mood, you won’t believe me unless you get into this yourself but you can just decide to let it go & give it no power. The guy who I use for the guided meditation app uses the example of anger & he said that you can’t experience anger for more than a minute or so unless you constantly keep bringing it back up in your mind and consciously adding fuel to it with emotions and creating more angry feelings. If you just sit and experience the initial anger and let it fade out it loses its power over you…the negative thought trail you keep hooking on to is where the anger thrives for hours or days. You can decide to remove the power it has over your mindstate in an instant. Meditation helps you figure out how.

Week 2 onwards I didn’t get much of a ‘new’ experience but I have been feeling my positive self right up until now on Day 50 (or so). By this point I have hardened to see when that dark cloud is hovering with it’s torrential downpour & flashflooding looming over me but I know how to deal with it better now, I know that’s not who I am & it’s just a voice in the distance I can choose to engage with or to ignore completely. It really is almost as simple as that. I have done 10 minutes every night apart from maybe 2 or 3 that I missed because I was out drinking, which I say just to show that by being interested in meditating you don’t have to become some skinhead vegan who doesn’t wear shoes to get into it. You don’t even need to be like me & tell anyone that you’re trying it if you think it sounds a bit naff, but if you’ve come this far down into this drivel i’ve written & you struggle with negative thought patterns or you think your mind is against you sometimes…I would seriously suggest giving it a go. If ‘not believing’ in it is your thing then there is plenty of scientific studies showing you how & why it works but on the flipside if you just wanna be seen to be spiritual then by being a meditator you are automatically one level up from those pricks who just read ‘The Secret’ five years ago and haven’t shut up since. They will love you. Half the people I talk to about it say they aren’t interested, which I think is a mistake but fair enough but the other half usually say it sounds good & they should have a go really but they never get round to it. Well I say do it. Read some books about it, watch Youtube clips about it, get some background on the whole genre & for the 15 minutes you spend scrolling the TV Channels or Facebook go try this instead…what’s the worst that could happen? You either enjoy it & see some positive results or you don’t get anything from it but you had 10 minutes relaxing peace for 7 nights of the week. It’s a no brainer. I am going to carry on with the daily routine so if one day I start levitating off the pillow or can ejaculate on command you best believe i’m doing part 2 reveal all article. Stay tuned.

Namastè ✌

Just joking…stay away from the cunts who say that ‘n all.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Love your fucking writing. Hope this post got you laid 🙌🏻🖤

    Liked by 1 person

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