Leaving Bogota.

Alright, time to give you my thoughts after the first few days of being in Colombia, namely Bogota.

Bogota isn’t really a holiday destination, it’s the largest city with the main airport, so you fly here & fuck off straight away typically. I spent 4 days here in the ‘tourist’ area, which i’m guessing is for other Colombians, because i’ve seen barely any western tourists & very little english being spoken, but i like that, makes me feel like i’m actually in & amongst the locals of the country rather than some dead resort you don’t leave. However, when I say very little english, I mean almost zero. It is fucking hard to navigate & get what you want, if i’m lucky & have Wi-Fi I can use translate but if not, it’s just gesture & hope for the best πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

Everybody I know thinks Colombia is dangerous, and I don’t want to jinx it 4 days in, but Bogota is the roughest place i’ll visit in Colombia & I felt safe every minute i’ve been here. Obviously i’m not going into the ghettos of the city, so i’m not saying it’s all sweet & dandy, but in the popular areas it’s absolutely fine. You don’t go to London & visit the arse-end of the Hackney estates do you? (There’s a holiday idea for you La Bamba lovers though ain’t it?) Here is no different. What I will say is, it helps that it looks like I can handle myself (yes I do, fuck you) so I get left alone. Absolutely nobody has bothered me, nobody has followed me down the road trying to sell me something like they do in most other countries i’ve been too, so that’s nice. Tell a lie, one guy tried selling me poetry, in Spanish. I told him I don’t speak it & he read it in English. It was all about shagging. He wanted me to buy a sheet of paper, filled with Spanish words about him dreaming of having sex with some woman. I passed on that.

This morning I had to get 3 seperate local buses to get to the airport, which means 3 transfers, and nobody speaks english, so I thought that would be sketchy, but again, sorry to dissapoint, it was fine, and I did the whole journey wearing Β£300 headphones & my phone out in the wild. Not once was I worried. I honestly just think all of you who are worried about these countries are…dare i say it? A little racist. Not overtly, but you got that little UKIP blood in you from your father. That little 10% that thinks other cultures & people are dangerous savages. Bang out of order you lot. Visit somewhere other than Spain & have your eyes opened.

Graffiti covers about 80% of the buildings here, which makes the whole place so colourful & vibrant. There’s some shit stuff sprinkled about but the majority are huge art pieces that look proffesional. I say we do that at home so everything isn’t so fucking grey, even though your nan would have a fit if she saw her favourite Marks & Sparks plastered in 50 foot high political slogans. Fuck her, it’s time for a change. It looks a shithole anyway, may aswell make it a colourful one.

So far, I gotta say, the Colombian women thing is a bit of myth. There aren’t models walking around everywhere as expected, however, Bogota isn’t known to be a glamorous city, so maybe everyone here is minging just like you lot back home in Newport. Get 1 half tidy one in every 3,000 people. Can’t have a go at them for that though. I exepect it’ll change when I get to the beaches & ‘cooler’ cities. Can’t wait to get my white, 25% body fat, skinny & sunburnt legs out next to the bronze Vogue models & get my moneys worth.

I’m just about to board a flight to Medellin, home of the Narcos. Escobar territory. Can’t wait. Bit of recent history, cool history aswell, not like the shit musuems about how people lived in the 15th century. Will keep you updated on the place, it’s supposed to be safer than Bogota, so no doubt i’ll get mugged here now.

And by the way, there are more dogs in this airport, it must be a Latin American thing, I’ve seen a Huskey walking off the leash around here??? I got a middle seat on this flight & if this cunt is the one slobbering next to me i’ll be furious.

Also, having now spent some time in both places, you can’t convince me that South East Asians & Latin Americans aren’t the same people. The indigenous Colombians could walk around Indonesia & nobody would notice. Not in ‘foreigners all look the same‘ kinda way, but also, yes, in that way πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ, that’s not racist, you’re racist. Fuck you.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Kerry Swallow says:

    For a multiple book selling author, you never use spell check I see!!

    Also fucking leash!! You’re from Newport, South Wales brother its a “lead”!

    Finally, why on earth would you be using duolingo to learn Welsh when you’re off to a continent that speaks predominantly Spanish!


    One question, how many continents will this be that you’ve now not had sex on?


    1. You almost convinced me that it was my mother 😭


      1. Kerry Swallow says:

        What do you mean almost, I remember the day I passed your massive head through my vagina, my first thought was how has this baby got a receding hairline the cunt hasn’t had to pay any bills yet!


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