An open letter to Bill Gates. CC: Conspiracy Theorists.

An Open Letter to Bill Gates:

Dear Bill, 

I wrote you, but you still ain’t calling…I left my cell, my pager and my home phone at the bottom!? I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not’ve got ’em? There probably was a problem at the post office or something, sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot ’em, but anyways, fuck it, what’s been up, man? How’s your daughter?

I wanted to write you a letter to let you know not everyone on the internet hates you. Don’t feel too down about it will you? We had a celebrity over here called Caroline Flack once & she sadly committed suicide, but the nation all had #BeKind tattoos as a compulsory reminder, I just wish we could all be a little kinder to you Bill, I just don’t know what’s gotten into people lately!? I don’t really get how you have transformed from the guy who brought us all the way from Windows 98 on home computers, to helping us get our teenage kicks looking at tiny boobs on MSN messenger (I was 14 too don’t panic, please don’t hack into my hard-drive) and now you’ve come full circle to be the ultimate evil puppet-master in the world…where did it all go wrong William? You had it all, your name was a synonym for the word ‘Fucking Loaded’ mind, you could buy all the women and drugs you could ever want or need, yet they’re saying you’ve used that power for evil?? Say it ain’t so Bill. You were a god amongst men to computer nerds everywhere & now you’ve turned heel almost like Hulk Hogan when he joined the NWO & broke the worlds hearts…(the computer guys loved that wrestling reference, I cater for you boys too it’s all love). 

I feel like I should explain who these people are…show you who you’re up against you know? For a start, you know the thousands upon thousands of memes, articles & blog posts depicting you as Lucifer himself by these guys for giving African children vaccines & medical aid?? Well they created them on platforms you either invented, or helped create…the graphs & charts that show us how many people you’ve raped and eaten this year? That was worked out on software you made, Bill. How ungrateful are they?? These people have been using your gear for their entire lives, they’ve let you get away with Windows Error Reports, Blue Screen of Death and even that annoying fucking paperclip pop up… but to these people, saving poor little Africans is a step too far William. Now you’re on their radar. HOW DARE YOU!! they shout…How dare you indeed. And I tell you what Bill, you ain’t saving their kids either, so hands off. Who are you to try to eradicate diseases anyway? For all you know we might actually miss Polio & Rubella in our children!? Kids in wheelchairs are adorable. Between me and you Bill, I think most anti-vaxxer parents are saying they’d rather their child dies by the age of 5 than risk developing mild autism, that’s just a vibe I pick up off them, who knows though? Get your top guy to search through their secure folders & let me know.

The anti-vaccination club don’t just hate you for saving lil black & asian kids mind Bill, a lot of them believe that you’re going to microchip us so you can see our every move, read every thought & see us in our most private moments in our homes…a bit like using location services, Twitter & Snapchat really…but they don’t mind all that on those apps, they don’t want to have to give up the things they like using do they? That would be inconvenient for them. (They don’t believe in it that much to tell you the truth, they’re just trying to be edgy). They are so scared of what you might do with them once you have all their details that they’ll open their Windows 10 laptop, post about it, open a new browser & then put all their fucking bank details into a website based in Yugoslavia because they found a cheap crushed velvet sofa on it… Same people saying they wouldn’t let you microchip them because it’s too much personal information for you to have will fill forms out supplying their phone number, their prefered taste in a partner, their high school, their family members & even their current place of work so they can use that platform, which holds all that information, to slag you off and say no way are you getting near them! Make it make sense Bill!??? If you really wanted to harvest our details what you wanna do is Bill…take over the Littlewoods catalogue. You heard me. They won’t use vaccines incase there’s a chip inside that uses our personal info but you watch them get digital receipts from River Island & Topshop for an extra 20% off their next purchase and suddenly they can’t give ENOUGH details out! Wise up mate, it’s 2020. If you do put a microchip in us, who knows where it will go? They are terrified of a paperless society because then you can control our money, the irony being Bill, a lot of these critics of yours rely on a fortnightly JSA payment. The government already controls their money, they just haven’t realised.

Don’t jump out of your seat just yet though Sir, I’m out here doing your arguing for you, i’m fighting the good fight. I’ll send the Windows logo up into the clouds if I need you. I have tried to explain to them that a multi billionaire has no interest in your movements, whether that be your super interesting trips for tobacco & milk, or to your mothers to pick the kids up. Nobody they know personally even cares, let alone one of the most rich & famous people on the planet. I don’t know who they think they are to be honest Bill, I have no idea why they think the world is plotting against them when their next door neighbour would only notice they were dead if the milk started building up on the doorstep…My guess would be that they need to feel special, almost needed in the world, that’s why they seem to get so much joy in sharing this shit, they feel like they are in an exclusive club that nobody else could understand, they have the world sussed, they have cracked it. They fucking knew they should’ve recieved more than the 4 GCSE’s they got! Obviously you & your elite friends needed to try bring them down, you saw their intellect Bill and tried to sabotage it, you failed Mr Gates, aka super genius, aka designer of the modern world…you were no match for a Year 11 dropout who went on to become a labourer. So who’s the genius now sir? 

(On a quick side note on that, I’m not naive, i’m aware of your friends Mr Rothschild & Mr Rockerfeller…I know there are ultra-rich people with massive influence behind the scenes, but Bill, what I fail to accept is that these super rich, super intelligent people, with access to all things on earth, who plan, shape & mould the entire goings on for their own benefit, would leave enough breadcrumbs for people I went to school with to find…some even think they put their wicked plans on banknotes & Jay Z videos just to fuck with us mind, I used to be right into all that stuff, until it dawned on me that the guy who’s got his finger in every countrys pie probably isn’t sat back tossing his own salad in ecstasy that im 6 hours deep down a youtube rabbithole and he can only shoot out his bollock pulp when he thinks the net is closing in on him. I’ve heard of some bizarre fetishes in my time but that tops them all. I Just can’t get my head around it personally).

On top of the anti-autism lot, and the microchipping lot, there is the ‘depopulation’ lot. Now these are a different kettle of fish entirely, I know you apparently run the internet but you may not have seen there’s a clip going around from your Ted Talk where you say the population growth should be reduced by 15%…and these people genuinely think you stood up in front of a large crowd of people, as Bill Gates, to get millions of Youtube views & newspaper articles and said…I PLAN TO KILL 15% OF THE POPULATION. These people then think that nobody noticed…except them, funny that aint it? It can’t be that they have massively misunderstood what you said, it must be that the crowd agreed, the youtube audience agreed, the reporters all agreed, and not only agreed, stood & clapped at the end like you were an NHS worker returning home on a Thursday night! We’re all in on it and the only people who heard you correctly were the same people who think Tom Hanks drinks the blood of dead children. I sometimes struggle to decide who should be believed in all honesty.

Tell you one positive I have taken from all this publicity on you this week though…Nobody cares about 5G anymore now. Last week they were assembling task forces ready to torch the towers, this week they’re begging for them back because Virgin Media went down across the country. Only outraged & ready for a boycott when it doesn’t involve something that they themselves have to personally give up. That’s why they’re all talk about vaccines they’ll likely never need or use, but they haven’t gave it any thought that if you wanted to control the population then you would’ve created a world of machines, linked to one another, machines that people use daily, to enter their most personal things into, such as passwords, credit card numbers, intimate photos & diary entries. All stored neatly in one accessible place ready to be hacked into, only protected by a wall created by you & your mates anyway. Oh what an idea that is Bill, shame you didnt think of that 30 years ago, you could’ve had 3D images of our faces & fingerprints on file by now…oh hang on a minute????

Never mind.

My advice to you would be pull all funding… let us die. Or failing that, find these people & say you’ll stop the vaccination problems at once so long as they personally take them over & save the people you planned too. Let’s put them to the test, give them a go. I trust in you Bill, you’ve brought me nothing but good times with all your ideas. Crack on son. Always keep in mind that you were the geeky rich uncle to the world…until you started saving poor little ethnic kids, that’s why they hate you Bill. They don’t want the Third World rising up and taking over, these people need the Africans & the South East Asians to have a poor quality of life…it’s how we get our Smartphones & branded clothes so cheap & affordable. Don’t ruin it for us will you Bill!?

Listen I gotta go, my tea’s gone cold & i’m wondering why.

However, you gotta call me man, i’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose.

Sincerely yours

Stan (Joe)



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