The world as we know it is gunna change forever folks…2021 and beyond is going to be Year 1 of what we see as the new dawn, a new era if you will. Just like 9/11 changed how we fly & travel, this virus is going to fuck up everything we ever did & we’re now one step closer to the human/robot hybrid age…you can’t see it now but it’s coming let me assure you.
This virus is containing the entire human race to their houses & even if it ever goes away our past daily actions will be forgotten about & frowned upon going forward, shaking hands, hugging, being one of them nesbitt couples that put their hands in each others back pockets to walk, all a thing of the past i’m afraid. We’ve been awoken to the dangers of personal contact & how easily we can be paralysed by a mere sickness bug…We ain’t going to get close to people anymore knowing they can cripple an economy with a single cough, gloves & masks are here to stay, looking like a painter & decorator is the new trend, we’re going to become much more separated from other humans after this, all the bonds & relationships we’ve spent building as a species are all dead. Even the most primal things in our nature are going to change, sex for example, just when you were reaching your child bearing peak as well ya chubby cow, are you going to let that guy spit in your mouth now knowing that H1N1v2 might be lurking in his gums? No you are not. Some freaky people will still say ‘yeaaaahhh why not! The madder the better, get it on me.’ OK Miss Freak-a-Leak, relax, you won’t be giving it the biggun when your ears & elbows have been amputated to stop the spread around the body I can tell you. Your limbless body will be good for fuck all after that & nobody is going near them lips after they’ve melted off with MRSA. From 2021 condoms will no longer look like the Peperami plastic, they’ll be changed to two sizes…Smartphone or Laptop. Condoms won’t be to reduce pregnancy & disease anymore, they will be screen-sized rectangle wrappers to stop all the man-muck getting into your speakers & cameras after sex gets reinvented for the Skype & HouseParty age…depending on how filthy you are. Skype is for the boring, eyes closed, missionaries of the world but HouseParty is for the voyeurs, the doggers & the swingers. IT’S A FUCKING PARTY AFTERALL!! No need to creep over to a P-reg Vauxhall in the woods who you think might be your old man or into a coded pub cellar to get your rocks off anymore…just download the app, find a comfy chair & spread the joy, literally. A one night stand in this era consists of loading up Chatroulette & pulling yourself round the dining room on your tiptoes twice a week, I mean it’s safer at least, can’t get murdered through a phone screen can you girls!? Silver linings. Sex is done, obviously some of us will remember the good old days & still wanna risk it so we’ll set up sex-letterboxes & shit to keep it going but tongue kissing a peep hole just isn’t for me i’m afraid, well, not a wooden peep hole anyway. Wink Wink.
Friendships are gunna change, we will all get so used to staying indoors we will lose the desire to go outside with our friends anymore, we’ll just continue to meet up on videochat & group nights out will mean 6 of us drinking in our rooms pretending it’s enjoyable while guessing what this cunt is trying to draw on the Pictionary challenge. What a night lads, one for the ages, that. Remember we all said for years that nobody plays outside anymore?? That’s us now guys, we’re the kids who found the Playstation & don’t need the real world…there’s danger out there, Chinese fucking danger! Nah fuck that we can stay in bed & be sociable from now on, and that’s what we’ll do. Plus everyone will get fat. The one hour of exercise a day rule will soon be mandatory because any more than that outside by yourself and you’ll be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because you’re nothing without your subscribers & Habbo Hotel friends in 2021. You must get back to your screen, that’s where you can pretend to be whoever you want to be, and slowly but surely, the world falls into virtual reality deeper and deeper.
Now everybody is indoors for 90% of their life they need to do something else for work & entertainment from home…so expect people to combine both & try their hand at being creative, we’re gunna get a massive influx of Tik-Tokers, short story tellers, poets & singers in 2021…and they will all be fucking dreadful. If the adults aren’t creative then what they’ll do is this…they will get their equally uncreative children to do it, act like it’s cute & then try flog it to us for a couple quid. How dare you. The audacity of you trying to sell drawings you wouldn’t put on your fridge to the rest of us mind, and don’t even think of selling us your sub-par artwork off as your 5 year olds either…we can tell & we don’t want it. If you think music nowadays is bad then boy have I got news for you…see all these people that think they can sing or rap? Well, they got no food & fuck all to do…they’re making albums in 2021, brace yourself. When this lot flood the market you’ll be begging for the good old days of mumble rappers & headbangers I swear. Poor stuff. It’s been barely a fortnight of lockdown so far & we’ve all seen some abysmal stuff to come out of Tik-Tok and vlogging haven’t we? Fucking hell it’s like 10 days in the house and everybody forgets who they are in the real world…if you haven’t made people laugh in the 2020 era then you sure as shit ain’t becoming a successful internet entertainer post 2021 era I’m sure…plus you can’t dance & your mouth isn’t even in sync. Put the PS4 on instead will you? In some unsurprising news, what you’re gunna see is ‘OnlyFans’ having a bigger workforce than Amazon due to any girl half tidy thinking they can sell pictures of their arsehole for £6.99 a month but don’t panic that will bottom out mind, it only works at the minute because it’s a small market, if every girl is selling pictures of their slit on the internet then the cream will rise to the top and the mingers will be back on JSA before you can say “Please look at my fanny I’ll give you 25% off’ or “Screenshotters get blocked”…listen love, of course we’re screenshotting, we all chucked a pound in & made an burner email account so we can share the stuff round the group, wise up.
Trouble is mind, if we do have to venture outside for anything then it’s going to be like the Wild West out there…and if you don’t believe we’ll sink to that level let me remind you that before we were even locked down we had people crawling over each other for toilet roll & hand wash…that was in the good period too! We almost descended into Civil War when the supply lines were FULL…don’t try tell me that when things get a little scarce that we won’t be turning into MadMax and eating the weakest sibling in the house, because we definitely will be. A single mention of a shortage & we were squaring up to pensioners in the fruit & veg aisles you know…half of us were ready to lose a close relative just because we like to double-sheet when wiping up after a shit, we are a small crisis away from reverting to our chimp ancestors and pulling the face off an enemy in the street, we have no high ground whatsoever. Society is a thin line folks, it only takes a small knock & before you know it we’re eating fish fresh out of a pond like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Some people say they would love a Purge style scenario because they know who they’d go kill first…and I look at some of these people and I think you know what? That cunt’s in my league mind…they’d get filled in soon as they left the house. I dunno who they are kidding but if/when society falls away & we’re hunting wild dogs & cats for food then i’m finding a cave & hiding, and so should you be. There will be some mad cunts out there who will take over due to Survival of the Fittest & I’ll tell you now that ain’t me. Get indoors & wait for death.
Television will change too, The TV show ‘Extreme Truckers’ won’t be about trucking across the arctic anymore, it’ll be following Tesco delivery drivers around the country armed with shotguns & barrel bombs, and they’ll be driven by the blokes off ‘Danny Dyers Hardest Men’…they’ll earn £100k a year in danger money & can keep whatever loot they find along the way. You thought truck drivers had a bad name for raping at the moment!? Boy just wait and see where they take it next. I fear for us I really do. Primetime ITV on a saturday night will now be Ant & Dec releasing feral children out of cages into an assault course filled with ex Gladiators dressed as Swine Flu & Bird Flu mascots…winner gets a 24 pack of Andrex & a litre of saline solution. SkyBet will take bets on it obviously. Sport has stopped due to 60,000 people a week each sneaking a bog roll out of the stadium on their way home because a ticket to Wembley is still cheaper than Mr Jamshed’s individually wrapped corner shop toilet paper, also lest we forget the great cull of 2020 which took out every horse in the land because the flu turned the cunts mad & 15 people got their heads kicked off. RIP Tony McCoy by the way, great man he was. The betting companies are on their knees so bad that they’re taking bets on what percentage of the population will be dead by summer 2020. (Under/Over 2.5 million looks a good bet at 4/1)
Motorway bandits will make a return for those of us at the bottom of society that can’t dance on the internet for money or sell pictures of our dicks (or even give them away). People will be forced to go beg, borrow or steal however they can so expect to see a Sons of Anarchy type gang on every corner real soon. Somehow the Daily Mail is going to survive & they’ll stop giving black people & muslims grief, so that’s a good thing, however, now the Chinese will be the fault of everything you can think of, the Chinese will be the next ‘enemy’ I’m sure of it…it’s just this enemy owns all the apps & games you play in the house so you won’t give a fuck…take my personal bank details Mr Ling-Wah, I got 56 Tik Tok subscribers & I’ve been practicing this dance all night. As expected, the Daily Mail will still have you believing that the motorway bandits = unfortunate white kids with mental health & Chinese people = Savages who eat dogs & lizards, not realising we’re on that same road now every Waitrose & Sainsburys building in the land has become a crematorium. Not only the Chinese will you fear, the outbreak & spread of this disease means ‘bless you’ is a thing of the past, that’s going to be replaced with ‘you dirty motherfucker’ & followed by some serious GBH baby. The paranoia is going to decimate the unspoken trust we have in society that we all follow certain rules, a simple sneeze could have you strung up off the roof like the Brexit Party Christmas party had just found Stormzy asleep in a country club doorway. Everyone is a potential threat in 2021, you’ll trust nobody. On the brightside though, nobody sits next to each other on the public transport anymore…each seat is 2 metres away from the next which means I can scratch my bollocks without bumping elbows & making the commute weird.
Most hairdressers, beauticians, nail shops etc won’t reopen because they’ve either died or gone bankrupt so that means we’ll have pale, bush faced & aggressive skinheads roaming the streets, and as for the men, well, just have to get the bowl & scissors back out won’t we?
Not looking forward to it personally, I’m way too Beta-Male to survive in a society like that. I can talk alright, but I’m not sure I can talk my way out of being eaten by the Romanians under Town Bridge. I can’t run particularly fast, jump very high or swim very far so you know what…Covid19 come get me son, I’d rather go out in a makeshift army hospital drowning in my own popcorn lung than waiting to witness that hellhole future & being eaten by some cunt who took offence to my blog one time. Fuck that, good luck & God bless everyone, you’re gunna need it.