Coronavirus II – It’s come to find me.

OK i’m stuck indoors & felt like I could get all my thoughts on the pandemic out in one go rather than clog up your Facebook feed so grab an anti-bac wipe, clean your seat & take 5 minutes to relax & have a read. If you’re new here I’d suggest reading my first post about Coronavirus here…

First off, I should’ve seen this coming from the day I tempted fate by writing about the Chinese catching it & saying it’ll never reach white people…boy was I wrong. This virus has left the Far East & decimated Europe solely with the intention of winding my neck in for me, and fucking hell hasn’t it done well? It hasn’t found me yet but after all the blogs I have written, a superbug from China is the only one to come looking for me to do some serious harm…you transgenders, ISIS wives, homeless people, Moroccans & Facebook Mothers wanna have a word with yourselves. Peckers.

The country is now swamped with anxiety & I reckon that’ll kill most of you before the flu they way you’re going on, I honestly think that you’re so anxious about it all because you are more than likely a gullible moron who reads & believes every single article other gullible morons share & if I believed all that shit I would honestly never sleep again…Coronavirus has been here less than two weeks & already people have sussed out that it’s population control, 5G towers or an engineered weapon by Bill Gates so we’ll all be microchipped in the future. Have a fucking day off will you? I will not believe that Vodafone & 02 have conspired to make faster internet speeds at the cost of millions of lives because then who the fuck are they gunna sell it to!?? Do you think the T-Mobile 2021 advert is going to be ‘We know that two thirds of the country are dead…but here, download your mother’s funeral soundtrack 5 seconds faster?’ I actually hate you. Having said that though, 5G may be needed sooner rather than later because let’s face it…We’re all stuck in the house, i’m not sure the regular WI-FI & 4G networks available can handle the bandwidth of all the pornography & millions of cyber-sex-dick picture attachments that are being sent across the airwaves all Summer 2020. My advice girls? Treat it like just like this flu, 80% of you will get them, don’t fight it, they’re coming, football is cancelled, it’s happening. That’s where all the spare toilet roll is headed. Also, stop taking it as gospel that some cunt has a mate who’s brother worked in a pharmacy once & said that your teabags are contaminated or eating orange peel cures all the ailments. No wonder you’re anxious, you literally don’t look into anything you see do you? It’s not anxiety, you’re a dickhead, a dickhead that spreads further dickheadry to all other dickheads who see a post with 5k shares and assume it’s true. If you see something that scares you, how about rather than whinging to us that nobody is safe, you take 2 minutes to fact check and I guarantee that more often than not you’ll be able to shut the fuck up and move on with your day. Do the rest of us a favour. Yes a killer flu is scary enough, you don’t need to be sharing so much bollocks to add to it, so I beg you, just research the nonsense you share before you click that button. I get that you want to be ‘in the know’ or the first to break news but trust me on this, you’re the same as me and the rest of us, you know fuck all, just wipe your surfaces down & watch a film for fuck sake.

No idea why people have stocked up on toilet roll either? You just know it’s the same naff cunts who shared that ‘Was anybody really ill around christmas time? post don’t you? Half are full of it & just wanna feel involved & the other half had the regular flu, which does actually happen you know? Amazingly, it was flu season at Christmas, same time every year, who knew!? Not a clue why people think they’re gunna be shitting like a barnyard animal with the flu mind but thinking logically probably isn’t their strong point i’m guessing!? What about these sheep who follow the crowd to queue & fight around an empty Tesco not realising ten corner shops they drove past to get there has a full shelf & a little worried immigrant owner who doesn’t know how he’s paying his bills next month! Stick your head in there on the way will you? Just because all the other mothers from up the school say they’re heading over to Asda at 5am doesn’t mean you have to, OK? Never mind Herd Immunity, we’re still struggling with Herd Mentality.

Every third house now has a spare room full of toilet roll, pasta & digestive biscuits! Remind me to delete their phone number when this is all over won’t you? What a shit party that sounds like. I can understand hand sanitizer & disinfectant but the problem I got with people is it’s all well & good spraying your surfaces down but as i’m writing this I just witnessed my cat shit in her litter tray & then lick her own arse so don’t give me all that about you’re super clean & hygienic because I know full well you let this lot snuggle into your face & kip in your bed, so perhaps knock that on the head ‘n all before you catch pink-eye or worms from your ‘best friend’. Speaking of which, in the last 18 months or so, eating someone’s arse has become the latest fashion accessory in sexual intercourse and I just can’t believe it’s not E-Coli or Shit-Lip that’s cutting through the population like wildfire in all honesty. We’ve dodged the bullet there, so please, when all is recovered let’s go back to 2 minutes of missionary with all eyes closed, no extravagance needed. We’ll still finish.

I’ve been personally affected by the chaos too…my 30th party is looking like it’s a washout! You don’t have to tell me twice to avoid the gym but the pub!? The fucking pub?? Come on now this is all too much…British spirit is personified in a crisis by telling whatever’s going on outside to fuck off because we’re all off out saturday night yet we can’t even do that! I already had a corner sectioned off to keep my grandparents in & away from everyone, complete with a bottle of whiskey & a Parker Pen ready to sign their last will & testament over to me just in case someone shook their hand for a little too long. I got a dozen 84 inch black tablecloths sat waiting to go if anybody wants them? If not I’ll be wiping my arse with them when the global shortage has taken a full grip on the Andrex single sheet. Annoying mind that I have spent 15 years cultivating enough friends to fill a venue dedicated to me & some twat eating bushmeat in China has pissed it all up the wall for me, the jarring thing is that pub’s aren’t legally closed, so I can’t even get my money back for the booking, and if you think i’m turning up in my best gear to be stood in a hall with my mother & the DJ you got another thing coming…do I think i’m well liked & respected enough that people will brave a global pandemic to buy me a drink down The Ferns?? Absolutely not, I think most were showing up on their way into town anyway, so here I am, £300 down and my mother still won’t believe that I actually have friends. Nice one to the prick in China who backwashed a fruit bat. Twat.

I’m taking a few positives out of this apocalyptic scenario though…I’m in the market to buy a house this year so I’m going to wait it out a while & when it’s safe to raise my head above ground either 1 in every 2 people would’ve died so I can now just walk in to an abandoned building & claim it as my own OR if it doesn’t go that far I’ll be able to knock 25% off the total value because some poor family has lost three quarters of the occupants & he needs a quick sale before the Tories get him on a bedroom tax. Look, business is business, I don’t make the rules. Second, having to go on dates can fuck off now, listen guys, if you’re talking to someone & she still expects you to take her down Dirty Martini for drinks so she can get a picture with them fucking wings then she ain’t the one my friend…if you cared about each other you’d keep safe & stay in bed together, away from all the mess going on outside. Liverpool’s title has hopefully been soured, or even if they do win it, they’ll celebrate infront of zero crowd, just like Man City have been doing since 2011 so that’s handy. What else is positive? The memes are glorious, singlehandely saving the nation in a time of instense boredom, well done you guys. The absolute ‘narn coming my way when I flash my NHS badge at women in 2021…they don’t need to know i’m not front line, ask no questions, I tell no lies. I have no confidence that it will but IF, and it’s a big IF, this whole saga brings society back together & a little less toxic then that’s surely a huge plus…for you guys at least…i’m trying to forge a career out of slagging everything off, but i’m sure i’ll find something. For example, every time I see someone put a post out offering to help people I instinctively think ‘Oooo you attention seeking little gobshite, look at you, trying to be the good person infront of everyone so they massage your ego you insufferable tosser’…and that is why i’d guess i’ll be dying single.